Teens on Social Media: An Intro

Repeat after me…. “we are the first generation of parents to EVER have to parent kids that are considered “digital natives”.  Meaning, it’s the only world they’ve ever known!

My kids laugh when I talk about our old analog wall phone with a cord (or my fancy beeper that I carried around as a teen). Heck, for all I knew the internet didn’t even really exist when I was a teen! ‘dialed in’ to the internet… on an analog phone line… for the first time right around the time I started college! 

Think about it this way… Our kids are the first generation of children where their birth was announced on Facebook. 

That means that not only do we need to give our kids grace as they navigate this digital era, but we also need to recognize that we, as parents, are also figuring this stuff out as we go! There are STILL SO MANY UNKNOWNS.

Remember, we still don’t yet know the real and long-term effects of things like screen time, social media, and an unlimited and ever-growing sea of information and media (good and bad)… But we’re learning… FAST & FURIOUSLY! 

Raising our kids through this stuff reminds me of the analogy of changing a tire while the car is speeding down the track…

I’ll say it yet another way – Because IT BLOWS MY MIND… A (digital) revolution has happened between our generation and our children’s … This is a paradigm shift that calls for thinking differently. Rather than knee-jerk reactions out of fear, it’s time to embrace it all with deep curiosity, awareness, and education. 

Let’s start with what we know

Many have suspected that social media can have adverse affects on mental health…. Just ask yourself whether you’ve struggled with some form of anxiety or negative feelings from social media recently.

Well, its getting (even more) real… This year (2023), we’ve seen both the U.S. Surgeon General AND the American Psychological Association (APA) put out urgent mental health advisories (and a call to action) on social media use among children and adolescents. And, all of this is happening in the midst of what’s was already being called a “national youth mental health crisis“.

Ok, that sounds bad, but let’s break this down a bit more… 

Age Matters…

Adolescents moving through the tween (ages 9-12) and teen years are going through a particularly sensitive time of physical and mental brain development. What does that mean? It means they are especially vulnerable to influence and opinions, identity formation, emotional behavior, self-control, risk-taking, as well as anxiety and depression… This is why it’s so important that we (parental figures) walk them through these stages in a healthy way. Social media, on the other hand, will expose them to some pretty overwhelming challenges that are tough for even the most mature adults to navigate. 

“Findings suggest that children who grow up checking social media more often are becoming hypersensitive to feedback from their peers” (Eva Telzer, professor in UNC-Chapel Hill’s psychology and neuroscience department)

Anxiety and Depression 

In early adolescence, the parts of the brain that deal with our need for attention and affirmation are far more sensitive. A compliment on your new clothes, hairstyle or latest purchase creates a chemical rush of “happy hormones” that drive emotions and responses that are in a heightened stage of growth. Now, I’d argue that this is normal and happens every day in life, BUT… combine that with a CONSTANT stream of social feedback from ‘likes’, comments, views, and followers from hundreds vs. tens of people… AND algorithms that’s designed to keep you coming back obsessively… and scrolling… and scrolling…

Did I mention that brain functions like self-control don’t fully develop until much later in early adulthood? That said, overexposure can be a real problem (uh… some of us ‘adult folk’ are still working on that).

Explicit and Harmful Stuff

Let’s face it, there’s some really ugly, extremely inappropriate, and even harmful stuff on the internet… Yep! It mimics our real (or physical) world, but with a smartphone (or other device) and internet, it’s all right there in the palm of your hand. I would’ve had to go search for this type of content when I was a kid… Now its (literally) one click away!

I just read a story this week about a mom who lost her 13 year old son after he and his friends watched a video on social media called the blackout challenge. We often hear about these ‘challenges’ where people record themselves doing something crazy, funny or risky, in hopes it’ll go viral, but as of recent we’ve seen more that end up being fatal. This one involved holding your breath until you pass out and the sad fact is that this young boy never woke up.

Now, while this is one of the more extreme examples, it happens! And, keep in mind that we haven’t even touched on the negative affects of porn, explicit or violence content, and the sad reality of child predators lurking heavily in these digital spaces… 

Information Sharing, Privacy… and More

Then, there’s the challenge of teaching our kids why social media companies like SnapChat, Instagram, YouTube and others are even in business…. to make profit! And, you guessed it… if you’re not paying for a product, then, chances are… YOU ARE the product. This can be a tough concept to grasp (even adults struggle to fully get this) and ‘terms of service’ agreements aren’t an easy read… Therefore, an education on the basics of how social media companies stay in business using your personal data (motives and methods) is key.

But it’s not just about data shared with tech companies… as I write this, students at a New Jersey school are experiencing trama and repetitional damage from real photos posted or shared that were manipulated by other students using Artificial Intelligence (AI) to create pornographic photos (see article). This one is hot off the press, but there’s already the need to have these conversations with our children and teens around practices for safely and cautiously sharing photos.

Geez! Any good news? 

Sure! Data shows that features of social media can be used to create deeper friendships and promote healthy socialization; especially for youth that might be more isolated and/or experiencing some level of adversity.

Remember, social media is part of our digital fabric as a culture today, so there’s no escaping or ignoring it. And, like most anything else in life, educating both ourselves and our kids throughout this journey can make for a much safer experience while allowing us to reap the positives that can (and do) come along with social apps. 

Also, tech companies are FINALLY developing more capabilities (mainly from societal pressure) that help enable parents to have more control of what their kiddos are exposed to. Check out Instagram’s Family Center and Snapchat’s Family Center as two simple examples where a parent can better supervise their teen’s social media experience (VERY FAR from perfect, but progress).

So, how do we respond?

Well… that’s the key question. First, I think we should start by thinking less about how we protect them FROM, and more on how we can help them safely exist IN… this digital reality.  Remember, we’re not just raising kids, but future adults… that NEED to learn to think critically about their digital existence and how that reflects their physical existence; safety, literacy, ethics, citizenship, etiquette, etc.. 

That said, early findings suggest that 2 fundamental things can help toward some positive outcomes for our youth; settings some guardrails and a regular rhythm of coaching through it all. 

And, that’s what we’ll begin to unpack in future posts here as we dive deeper into best practices for walking WITH kids on social media.

For today, I’ll share 3 quick tips that we start with as a foundation: 

3 Quick Tips to get started

1. Journey WITH your kid

As parents, there’s no better way to build trust and train our kids to be responsible digital citizens than to learn,  grow and journey WITH THEM… 

This not only requires you to find some resources such as this blog (and many others – see resources), but its critical that we LEAD BY EXAMPLE… Our kiddos are smarter than you think; they’ll do what we DO more than what we SAY! If I’m scrolling on Facebook for hours, then it must be OK for my kids? Show them how you use social media for recipes, information finding, creativity, laughter, and friendships or networking!

2. Limit content to age appropriateness

One of the things I’ve come to terms with is that ALL of our kids are unique and there is NO FORMULA, but we start with age limits for apps, music, websites, etc. and talk it out from there. We use resources such as Common Sense Media for age appropriateness and “what parents should know” about each new area of exploration and make sure we’re making the right decisions based on the age and maturity of each child. I can’t say enough good things about Common Sense Media! So, whether its determining the right age for their first phone, the latest app,  video game, or the big leap to more mature areas like YouTube or social media… 

3. Treat technology as a privilege, not entitlement!

In our family, we start with this as the FOUNDATION for our family’s digital strategy.

I love the analogy of a drivers’ license.  To drive you have to take a class, practice and take a written and driving test AND it’s seen as a privilege … meaning if you abuse it, it can also be taken away. We actually document, talk about and hang a list of digital guidelines on our refrigerator to set expectations.

Again, let’s think less about how we protect them FROM, and more on how we can help them safely exist IN… This is what I hope we can unpack together in the months to come, so follow us at Parenting theConnected and sign up for our ‘1note’ Newsletter.

Happy parenting!