I often hear parents say things like I’m not ‘tech-savvy’ at all, so I can’t keep up with my kids on phones and other tech devices! The truth is, it is nearly impossible to keep up with all of the latest tech trends, new devices, software updates, and news features that are released so rapidly. How’s that for your daily dose of encouragement? I’m kidding…. There’s hope!
As we discussed earlier, there are 2 fundamental things we can do that will indeed make a huge difference in the lives of our youth. Set boundaries (or guardrails) and establish a regular rhythm of conversations and coaching. Sounds simple, right? It is! But, there’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s start with guardrails.
I’ve always liked the term ‘guardrails’ because it implies that we allow enough freedom to move forward and progress down a pathway… But, like guardrails on a highway, they provide enough protection in key areas that help prevent harmful or catastrophic scenarios like falling off the edge of a cliff.
In most of the journey up until this point, we’ve been educating ourselves on the topic of teens on social media; the good and the ugly. If you haven’t already read it, check out my prior articles on this topic, Teens on Social Media Introduction and What’s the ‘Right’ Age for Teens on Social Media. At this point you’re likely either planning ahead or you’re ready and preparing to guide your teen through their first steps into Social Media. This is where we’ll get a bit more practical and raise a few of those guardrails.
SET TIME LIMITS
If research and observations to date lead us to the conclusion that too much exposure and endless scrolling is a concern, then the best thing we can do is start out with a limit on time. Introduce your teen to social media in smaller chucks of time by only opening a small window of time per day (15 or 30 minutes). You can do this with native device controls on a smartphone (ex. Google FamilyLink for Android and Apple Screen Time on an iPhone). For example, on an iPhone I can use the Screen Time feature within Settings to set App Limits on a particular app such as Instagram which will disable use of that app after the allotted time is reached. Be prepared, because your teens will also be able to request more Screen Time once their limit is reached if you’re setup using some of the family features. My advice is to think ahead about use cases that may be legitimate exceptions and even talk to your teen about it as you walk with them to avoid this becoming an overwhelming stream of emotional rants. You can also consider extra time as a reward for good behavior or growth in maturity.
KEEP IT SIMPLE
It’s worth saying that if the strategy is to begin opening a small window into the world of social media, I’d recommend starting with a single social media platform. Trying to wrap your brain around multiple platforms at once can be exhausting and can become a distraction in your journey of walking with your teen and teaching the basics of digital life You can also consider starting your teen off in stages; begin walking them through the process following a handful of friends that both you and your teen know well and expand from their over time (together). Hold their hands through the process and pitfalls that come along with each step; posts, likes, photos, followers, messaging, etc.
There’s also other considerations to keep your tech strategy simple and consistent by staying within a single (or at least fewer) tech ecosystems… whether it be all Apple or all Google (Android), as an example. At the very least, make sure they work well with each other so that your family and parental controls follow your child across devices. See one of my past articles, Family Tech Devices: Keep it Simple for more guidance on this.
REDUCE DISTRACTIONS
I also find that although there may not be any effective screen time controls for this, working with your teen to turn off notifications is a good practice to limit distractions! Remember, social media is already designed to keep you coming back and scrolling endlessly, and push notifications are certainly one of the most effective triggers that leave you anxiously squirming in your shoes until you open the app to reveal that next hit of dopamine hiding within your notifications. Defaults settings are typically set to the most visible and chatty possible to keep you coming back as often as possible.
ENABLE ‘BUILT-IN’ SOCIAL MEDIA PARENTAL CONTROLS
Platforms like Instagram and Snapchat now have some built-in parental controls (ex. Family Center). While it’s extremely limited, you’ll have the ability to enable privacy controls such as who can view your child’s profile (private or public) and posts, along with who can send them messages (anyone or friends only).
Also, look into and weigh your options to enable further time limits and spot check using usage reports available within these native social media family center capabilities. There are some time limit capabilities that can be set within the platform which will be important for a teen who may be tempted to login to their account via a friend’s device or other devices in your home without those native screen time controls we discussed above. For example, although my daughter will have consistent controls and time limits across any device in our home (again, refer to Family Tech Devices: Keep it Simple), if she logs into her Instagram account from a friends phone or computer, our device controls will not be applied.
EXPLORE 3RD PARTY TOOLS
Although device controls and social media capabilities can help, this just doesn’t hit on some of the most difficult to navigate which includes explicit or harmful content, unhealthy conversations, sexting, or malicious child predators to name a few. I’ve tried a few 3rd party tools and while none are truly holistic and each have their own gaps, I’ve had some limited success with products like Bark.
This stuff is more an art, than a science as your child’s age and maturity will continue to change and therefor your limitations may be a sliding scale… or, to use our ‘guardrails’ analogy, you’re hope is that over time you can begin to slowly lower the rails. I’ve typically increased autonomy over time as maturity and trust increases and, likewise… I slide ’em right back when trust and agreements are broken. Oh… and there’s also the ever-changing balance with your teens understandable desire for an appropriate level of privacy to consider. I’ll leave that one right there for now…
EDUCATION
We’ll get to more on coaching and walking with your teens through all of the twisting and windy roads along this journey, but it’d be irresponsible of me to end this section without encouraging you to education and prepare your teens for the pitfalls that lie ahead as it pertains to social media. I try not to do this with all doom and gloom, but it’s important they know that this will not be easy for them and will open some new doors that they will likely struggle with. Again, feel free to refer back to my prior articles; Teens on Social Media Introduction and What’s the ‘Right’ Age for Teens on Social Media.
There are plenty of resources out there to help train kids and teens to be “Cyber Wise”, or prepared digital citizens. I’m having one of my daughters read a book with me on this topic before getting her first social media account but find what works for you… there’s no specific formula.
Let me end with this for ALL PARENTS… Tools won’t replace your time and effort in all of this stuff. My wife and I regularly talk about how exhausting it can be trying to manage the many unending conversations, time spent monitoring usage, and alerts from 3rd party tools… Then, there’s the constant requests for new apps, more screen time, photos, messages, and those deeper discussions when things go sideways… This stuff is HARD, so be prepared to do the hard work! When it comes to your kids, it’s ALL WORTH IT! But, remember… BE KIND TO YOURSELF! Too much, too soon can be a recipe for disaster for both you and your kiddos!
Until next time… Happy Parenting!
MARK SCALIA 